Breaking news from the Alamo: The horse is already out of the barn.

Hate to employ such a tired cliché, but it is so to the point.

Not sure whom in the state government Commissioner Jerry Patterson offended to be tossed into the lions’ den of Alamo politics, but the additional Sisyphean task of defending the Alamo against copyright infringement might just send the commissioner calling for an appointment at Alamo Psychiatric Care, conveniently located just outside the compound’s walls and one of more than 1,000 such-named businesses operating right here in the Alamo City.

If one were Alamobsessive to the extreme, one could go through one’s whole life in San Antonio only patronizing businesses electing to honor our Texas heroes by remembering the Alamo in their names. You could comfortably live in the ’09 neighborhood named for its location on a rise overlooking the poor flatlanders living near the Alamo itself.

You could come into and leave this world that way, literally go from cradle to grave, progressing from delivery as a baby by Alamo obstetricians to your final embalmment at Alamo Funeral Home. In this city, as across much of Texas, there is virtually no need to contract for any non-Alamo service from the floors in your house to chimney sweeps on your rooftop (Although in conducting research for this post, I confess I failed to click on any Alamo escort services, fearing I might catch a plague of never-ending promiscuity-promoting pop-ups.).

Last month’s Alamo crisis was all about alcohol. Only last night, Alamo Beer was served publicly on Alamo Plaza. Imagine that.

The Daughters of the Republic of Texas defending the Alamo against an invasion of hooch tend to overlook the abundance of hooch-holding receptacles available in their own gift shop. René Guzman of the San Antonio Express-News described the numerous opportunities to take a “shot for the shrine:”

Next to coffee mugs, shot glasses pack the Alamo gift shop like so many troops of varying heights, widths and alcohol-holding capacities. And nothing puts the “shot” in shot glass quite like an Alamo shotgun-shell shot glass ($4.95) and One Last Shot! pistol shot glass ($4.25). If you prefer your liquor with a bit more dignity, try the Crockett, Bowie and William Travis shot glass three-pack ($9.95).

Yes, Commissioner Patterson, for lessons in preserving the dignity when remembering the Alamo, you need look no farther than the gift shop shelves themselves. As Guzman wrote:

Dig a little deeper and you’ll find more kitsch than you can throw a rubber Bowie knife at.

The newest commercial affront to the dignity of the shrine arises in the Alamo’s front yard, on the river at the base of the Hyatt Regency, from a lowly worm – The Worm Tequila and Mescal Bar. According to a story in the Express-News by Scott Huddleston, the owners of the bar were seeking a trademark of the phrase “I Can’t Remember the Alamo.”

The General Land Office, newly charged to defend the Alamo and the shelves in its gift shop, rose to the charge. According to Huddleston:

In the new trademark case, the Land Office said the issue is not about alcohol, but preservation of an 1836 Texian battle cry, “Remember the Alamo,” that, to many, still captures the spirit of Texas and the state’s proud but complex history.

Mark Loeffler, Land Office spokesman, said Qwercky’s application mentions mugs, clothing and even underwear as potential merchandise.

“Surely there must be other ways to promote a bar than disparaging the memory of not only the defenders of the Alamo, but the Spanish priests and Native Americans who died there during the 300-year history of the mission,” he said.

The General Land Office need not fear this affront to the battle cry “Remember the Alamo,” emblazoned for years, sometimes in compromising positions, on the front of t-shirts in shop display windows encircling the plaza. The wheels of justice in the state of Texas sometimes turn slowly, but vigilante justice already has taken its course.

The messenger recently escaped from behind the Alamo walls, a Daughter disowned by her siblings, Sarah Reveley summoned the power of facebook to alert the hotel hosting the new bar to the potential dangers to the hotel’s reputation. The response was swift:

Dear Sarah,

I am in receipt of the note you sent our corporate office today regarding your concern over marketing programs by one of our tenants. The Worm is a leased outlet on the river level of our hotel and is an autonomous operation. We unfortunately were not aware of this marketing position and trademark request by the operator until today. I have spoken to the owner and conveyed our concerns with this and have in fact exercised the hotels right that prohibit any advertising that tends to impair the reputation of the area. I have conferred with the owner of this establishment and he is withdrawing the trademark request.

Regards,
Peter
Peter McMahon
General Manager Hyatt Regency San Antonio

If the cash-strapped founders of the Republic of Texas had the foresight to comprehend the potential commercial value of the “Alamo” after the crushing defeat, they certainly would have arrived on the plaza as soon as possible to stake their claim to the word. But they did not, and Alamo businesses began to multiply almost immediately.

Update on August 24, 2012:  San Antonio Express-News editorial suggests “Land Office should drop errant suit:”

Now Patterson has waded into an ill-considered trademark battle with the owner of two bars seeking to block use of an irreverent riff on the battle cry, “Remember the Alamo!” The bar owner is using the phrase, “I Can’t Remember the Alamo.” In a notice filed with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the Land Office argued that the “applicant’s mark disparages the deceased combatants of the Battle of the Alamo by communicating that their sacrifice was not worthy of memory or esteem.”

The objections of the Land Office are ironic, given the criticism directed at it by those who objected that allowing alcohol to be served at Alamo Hall disparaged the sacrifice of Alamo defenders. The two bars are a block or more away from Alamo Plaza.

The Land Office and taxpayers have a legitimate interest in seeing that the state’s trademark on the phrase “The Alamo” is not infringed upon or diluted. Patrons purchasing “I Can’t Remember the Alamo” merchandise at the bars are not likely to believe those items are officially licensed, any more than they are likely to believe that restaurants or rental car companies that incorporate the Alamo in their names have an official connection to the Cradle of Texas Liberty.